Scary Stories (from a Dark Allie)

(Sorry, lots of spoilers, and brief mention of sexual assault) If you’ve ever wanted to see Leslie Nielsen wrestle a bear, this is the movie for you! This is like the American version of Long Weekend, basically. Though I guess this one came first.

This is a weird little movie, and I know that’s not the first time I’ve said that this year. It was okay? It’s not too long but it’s pretty slow, especially at the beginning.

So, this one I definitely remember reading. I think I may have even read this before the movie came out, but after the movie was announced? Either way, I’m pretty sure it was my first Josh Malerman book, and since then I’ve ready Malorie (the sequel to Bird Box), Daphne, Black Mad Wheel, Inspection, Pearl, and Goblin, so I guess you could say I liked his writing!

So, I think this movie had the bad fortune of coming on the heels of a couple similar, highly regarded films (Bird Box, which I’ll be watching tomorrow, and A Quiet Place, which I’ll be watching later this year once the third one is released). A lot of reviews pan it because it’s too similar to those films and “not as good”. I respectfully disagree. And not JUST because the main character is named “Ally”.

What was I thinking this month? Did I pick a bunch of really boring movies, or am I just overly critical and critically bored this month? Either way, this movie isn’t it for me.

Wow, people on the internet REALLY hate this movie. There are literally hundreds of one-star reviews (out of TEN!) on IMDb truly trashing everything about this movie. And I…thought it was actually okay! Better than yesterday’s movie, anyway (which somehow has better ratings on IMDb than this one).

Wow, my hit rate for June is LOW. I know, I know, sequels/prequels/paraquels/whatever you want to call this, made MANY years later, are rarely good. But I was hoping it would at least be relatively entertaining to see the Creeper again…but it wasn’t.

I’m still not feeling very talkative, or maybe I’m just choosing movies that don’t give me much to say. Either way, I don’t have much to say about this one.

I feel like maybe I’m not in a generous mood this week. This month? I’m feeling more sensitive to slow-burn films, particularly ones that drag along in a boring manner. Unfortunately, I seem to keep picking them.

This is a horror comedy that’s neither horror nor comedy. Which is disappointing, as it has a lot of familiar comedic faces (Keegan-Michael Key! Patton Oswalt! Bob Odenkirk!) and some other great familiar faces as well. But it just doesn’t land anything.

I thought this one would be a lot more fun than it was! Essentially this was very similar to Urban Legend, though I guess this movie came first, AND (briefly) has Amy Smart!

I don’t have much to say about this movie. It was short but slow, had some eerie moments, and ultimately wasn’t all that interesting.

Don’t watch this movie. Really, don’t watch it. It’s not worth it. I’m so mad about this movie. This movie is the longest movie I have watched yet. It beats the Suspiria remake by SEVENTEEN MINUTES. But it honestly feels even longer than that. And wholly unnecessarily.