Terror Train (2022)★★☆☆☆

Well, this was kind of a letdown. And yet…why is there a sequel, and why am I watching it tomorrow?

Look, if I had seen this movie first, I might have given it 3 stars. As a standalone film, it’s fine. But as a remake? It’s unnecessary. It doesn’t add anything to the original, and in fact is missing Jamie Lee Curtis AND David Copperfield! So I can’t in good conscience give it a full 3 stars, but it’s fine.

The acting is mostly fine, although the characters are all kind of dicks (like, moreso than in the original?). I really liked the actress playing Mitchy (despite the “this poly dropped a molly” line), and I recognized the actor playing Mo from From, a supernatural horror TV series for which I am desperately awaiting season 3.

(Spoilers ahead) Also, I like Tim Rozon – I loved Schitt’s Creek! – but I felt SO WEIRD about his Magician character. It was somehow both better and worse than having David Copperfield in the first one? I don’t understand why they had to make him kind of a creeper… Oh, and he’s on the cover for the sequel, along with Alana, so you already know he makes it through this movie.

I called the twist in the first quarter of the film, exactly who the killer was and why (…not because I’m smart, but because it’s pretty obvious), so it did feel like a bit of waiting to get to the point already (significantly more than in the original). And I am certainly not a good dancer, but…every dance scene looked ridiculous? And the literal slasher scene was a bit much?

Also there was no satisfying thunk at the end, which I suppose kind of answers the “why is there a sequel” question, but still not the “why am I watching it tomorrow” question…but honestly, I think I’m set to be watching a lot of questionable films this year, and I’m guessing tomorrow’s won’t be close to the worst? (Here’s hoping I don’t have to eat those words…)