Scary Stories (from a Dark Allie)

I realize that beavers and groundhogs are different animals, but there are apparently no horror movies about groundhogs (although according to IMDb, there will be one next year!). So for Groundhog Day this year, I figured I’d finally get around to watching Zombeavers. And wow. Just wow.

I figured from the trailer and the tagline (“They’ll dam you to hell!”) that I was in for something ridiculous, but I don’t think I was quite prepared for just how ridiculous it was. From the opening sequence with the campy music and animated beavers, to one character yelling “I feel like a Power Ranger!” whilst in the throes of passion, to the actual zombified beavers, everything about this movie was ridiculous. And I loved it.

I went into this one not knowing what to expect. Was it horror? Comedy? Comedy-horror? I was pleasantly surprised to find that whatever it was, it was entertaining and engrossing throughout.

I thought the cast was chosen well, although I did laugh a little at the fake crow’s feet on Malin Akerman’s present-day self. I love Taissa Farmiga, I thought Adam Devine was perfect, and this was by far the most likable character I’ve ever seen Alexander Ludwig play.

I wasn’t expecting much from this one, particularly since it’s a PG-13 rated Michael Bay movie, but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

It’s no great masterpiece by any stretch, but the acting was believable, the special effects were well done and well timed, and the story was interesting.

I really liked this movie. If it weren’t for the confusing number of characters and sometimes hard-to-follow storyline, I’d probably have rated it higher.

And let’s be honest…Brittany Murphy as a psychiatrist was a bit of a stretch (and what was with the terrible hairstyle?), though her temper tantrums were definitely believable. I have seen Brittany Murphy in things where she’s absolutely charming but she seemed a bit absent in this one, and I’m not sure it was in anyone’s best interest to release this one posthumously.

About thirty minutes into this film, I was convinced it was going to be the first movie to only rate 1 out of 5. It was bad enough that I almost stopped watching completely. But I figured I’d need to suffer through a few awful films throughout the year, and this might as well be the first.

Well, while I’m not glad I decided to finish this movie, it did get somewhat better near the end. Watchable, at least. Enough to rate at 2 out of 5 overall.

There’s something about the familiar that can be so scary. I think Candyman has always been particularly scary to me because it’s set in Chicago. I recognize the highways from above, I attended classes in that college, and I stared out my window at Cabrini Green every time we drove to my grandparents’ condo downtown. Everything about the movie (except, thankfully, for the Candyman) is so familiar.

And can I just say that Philip Glass should have done the music for every horror movie ever? That opening sequence is fantastic and incredibly haunting.

Netflix told me that I’d be interested in this one and I figured it was worth a watch, especially since I like Jessica Alba and Thomas Jane.

The good news? In this case, Netflix was right. This movie was well acted and well paced…and incredibly creepy. There were a few jump scares, but the film didn’t rely on them to set the mood. The background music was understated throughout and worked nicely to add to that mood.

This movie was mostly okay, but I have never wanted a “protagonist” to die as much as Ryan. Seriously. From the start, I wanted to rip the camera out of his hands and give it to anyone else. His “colorful” commentary and stereotypical bullying made him one of the most unsympathetic characters I’ve ever seen.

The rest of the relatively unknown actors in the cast were okay. They worked well together and the dialogue was mostly believable. And there are definitely some creepy moments to the film.

Overall this movie wasn’t bad. Jason Patric was fine as Cooper, though he mostly sat around and grunted. Louisa Krause was also fine as Streak. There were some really creepy scenes throughout the movie, and the setting in general was awesome (giant old abandoned apartment complex? I’ll take it!).

But something about the twist at the end didn’t quite land for me. It was an interesting twist, but there wasn’t enough backstory or foreshadowing for it to make much sense. I felt more confused than scared at the end of the movie.

I was waffling between rating this a 2 or a 3 out of 5, but I think what made my decision for me was one female character’s (seemingly out of place and in poor taste) use of “don’t be gay” as a retort. Seriously? I’m realizing now that it’s been years (and more than the four since this was released) since I’ve heard that used as an insult.

The dialogue was otherwise mostly okay, and the acting wasn’t bad, but the pacing seemed way off and there were times that the background music was so loud I couldn’t hear what the characters were saying.

This movie wasn’t bad. I like scary movies about babysitting partly because I used to babysit and partly because they generally aren’t about people making terrible choices when faced with some terrifying antagonist.

This is mostly true of Angie the babysitter here, and Sarah Thompson delivers the role nicely. The supporting cast is full of good actors who also deliver here, including the young Kai Caster as Sam. 

Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood today, but this did not hold my attention at all. The acting was fine, the background music wasn’t bad, and there was lots of blood and gore, but…I found myself bored through most of the movie.

I like Thora Birch usually. The Hole was a great movie because of her (and despite her terrible British accent). But as a member of an internationally recognized wrestling team? I just don’t buy it. At least they didn’t have Gloria Vostis make highly suspect small talk about her wrestling matches – I think that would have taken me out of the movie completely.

I watched this for the first time tonight and found myself mostly unimpressed. I imagine that it would have given me nightmares had I seen it when I was much younger, but the scary scenes were limited and overshadowed by the echoing audio effects, and the weird pacing and awkward jump cuts made it a bit hard to follow.

It felt very much like an 80’s horror movie that didn’t quite hold up through the years. That said, although I haven’t read any Clive Barker (I’ve mostly stuck with Stephen King and Christopher Pike, with some R. L. Stine thrown in for good measure), this story intrigued me enough to want to read his original novella and look into his other works.