Scary Stories (from a Dark Allie)

Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood today, but this did not hold my attention at all. The acting was fine, the background music wasn’t bad, and there was lots of blood and gore, but…I found myself bored through most of the movie.

I like Thora Birch usually. The Hole was a great movie because of her (and despite her terrible British accent). But as a member of an internationally recognized wrestling team? I just don’t buy it. At least they didn’t have Gloria Vostis make highly suspect small talk about her wrestling matches – I think that would have taken me out of the movie completely.

I watched this for the first time tonight and found myself mostly unimpressed. I imagine that it would have given me nightmares had I seen it when I was much younger, but the scary scenes were limited and overshadowed by the echoing audio effects, and the weird pacing and awkward jump cuts made it a bit hard to follow.

It felt very much like an 80’s horror movie that didn’t quite hold up through the years. That said, although I haven’t read any Clive Barker (I’ve mostly stuck with Stephen King and Christopher Pike, with some R. L. Stine thrown in for good measure), this story intrigued me enough to want to read his original novella and look into his other works.

Somehow I never saw this when it came out, so maybe it’s just nostalgia here (those AOL Instant Messenger sounds take me way back, and I’d almost forgotten about Bon Jovi’s acting years) but I loved this movie. I was skeptical about a PG-13 horror movie, but this one delivers and proves that you can craft a good scary story without relying on swearing and gore.

I was happy about the Gary Cole cameo, but sad about the terrible Gary Cole British accent. Was it too expensive to find a real British actor to play Owen’s father? He was only in 30 seconds or so of the film. Despite that, the rest of the cast is wholly believable (okay, aside from Paul James’ hair) and has a chemistry that is, at least as far as most of these movies have shown me, hard to find.

This is another one of those teen slasher films that doesn’t have anything going for it except a relatively familiar cast. “Wait,” you might be thinking, “doesn’t Paris Hilton give this one something special?"*

No. No, she doesn’t. In fact, I probably would have rated this one higher if Paris Hilton hadn’t been involved. She’s the only one of the group who can’t act (seriously, even her screams aren’t believable), and I found myself distracted by hoping she’d just die already.

I was kind of hoping this movie would be terrible so I could make an equally terrible joke about the anguish I felt getting through it, but I liked it too much for that. It was a bit slow paced, and not as terrifying as it could have been, but it was interesting.

I was especially impressed with the minimalism of the background music and how simple the camera work was. It’s a great example of “less is more.”

I realize there will come a day when I run out of horror movies that I really like, but luckily today is not that day. This isn’t my favorite (or even in my top ten), but it’s entertaining and a step above your standard teen slasher film.

I’ll admit that it took a while for Amber Heard to grow on me (I’m not sure whether it was Zombieland or Drive Angry that finally did it), but I was already her fan by the time I first saw this movie. Of course, had the US release not been delayed seven years I imagine I would have liked her much sooner, since she kills it as Mandy Lane (pun only mildly intended).

I know The Cabin in the Woods isn’t really a “scary movie” in the strictest sense, but it is definitely worthwhile and entertaining for any fan of horror films. I was hoping it might be worthwhile and entertaining for any fan of Joss Whedon who might not be a fan of horror films, so I could start the slow, subtle process of turning my “not a horror fan” boyfriend into…well, at least into my “not not a horror fan” boyfriend.

Did it work? You’re damn right it did. The movie is well paced, the cast has incredible chemistry (and some big names!), and the dialogue is on-point and Whedon witty. Sure, there’s lots of blood and gore, but because the movie isn’t trying to scare you, it’s well-placed and fits in without being too disturbing.

Before you ask: yes, I know this is technically a prequel rather than a 30-years-later remake, and I know that the original I’m referring to is technically a thirty-years-later remake of a Howard Hawks film.

That said, it’s a pretty damn good homage to an incredibly damn good film. I just wish it weren’t trying so hard to show off that it had three times the budget and thirty years of special effects advancement behind it.

The Thing is one of the first scary movies I remember watching with my mom when I was younger (I’m pretty sure it’s mostly her fault that I love scary movies as much as I do), and I’m happy to report that 30-some years later, it’s still a great movie.

Sure, the special effects aren’t always believable and the technology is a bit outdated, but The Thing is a shining example of what the right cast can do in the hands of an amazing director like John Carpenter.

Generally, I really liked this one. I remember it being one of the first in a long time to really get to me. And I love Scott Speedman (I have a special place in my heart for Felicity right next to all this blood and gore).

That said, it isn’t without some issues.

I’ll admit, a movie has to be pretty bad for me to rate it lower than 3/5…and this one got pretty close. But as my dad once said (and I happen to agree), “I would watch Eliza Dushku brush her teeth for 45 minutes.” So Eliza Dushku, the extra one’s for you.

This was a movie with a reasonably interesting premise that just missed its mark.

I’m always in the mood for a good Nicolas Cage movie. Unfortunately, Pay the Ghost was not that movie.

I have told people on more than one occasion that this is my favorite horror movie, so I figured I’d watch it again to see if it holds up. About 15 minutes into this viewing, I remembered that I don’t say it’s my “favorite” movie, I say it’s the “scariest” movie. And that definitely still holds.

I’m a big fan of minimalism in horror movies. I think the scariest things are those that could actually happen, and the fewer special effects a movie uses, the more realistic it seems. This movie takes place in a single location and for most of the film stars just five young adults in an old house surrounded by webcams. And then the deaths start adding up.