Scary Stories (from a Dark Allie)

I saw this movie in the theater (gasp!) by myself (double gasp!) outside Universal Studios in Los Angeles on a very hot day in 2012. The good news is, I still like it even when I’m not just using the theater for its air conditioning. The bad news is, that story is way less relevant tonight when it’s a brisk 58 degrees Fahrenheit outside in the middle of June (literally, the middle of June).

It’s not a perfect movie, but it kept me entertained a few years ago and it kept me entertained tonight. It’s probably not for folks who aren’t into thrillers, but it’s not terribly graphic or disturbing and the story is both intricate and intriguing.

I picked this one because it has Tobin Bell in it and was directed by Victor Salva (of Jeepers Creepers and Jeepers Creepers 2 fame). Luckily neither disappointed me! I find Tobin Bell is usually the best part of whatever he’s in and that’s never been more true than in this movie. Tobin Bell’s kind of a badass in this one and it’s almost worth a four out of five just for that.

I wanted to like this one a lot more. It was okay. The story should have been interesting but didn’t really make sense as told. The pacing was off so the end felt rushed and the reveals weren’t all that intriguing.

The cast is the best part of this movie. I like Ed Burns and I don’t mind Shannyn Sossamon. I actually wanted to watch this a while back because I was on an Ariel Winter kick but I’m glad I skipped it – she’s not in this much. Everyone’s pretty believable and the chemistry of the group is okay, but it’s almost like the movie itself doesn’t have any chemistry (if that makes sense). Anyway, I guess it was nice to see Azura Skye and Meagan Good for the few moments they were on screen.

It’s almost summer and it’s been hot outside, which means I frequently find myself not wanting to think about anything, much less which movie to watch that day. So I decided on this one. In fact, I started watching it only a few hours after watching last night’s movie, so the events from the first were fresh in my mind. I’m glad it worked out that way this time because I caught a few more details than I did the first time (with a couple years in between seeing the first and the second movies).

I haven’t seen the third installment of the franchise yet, and I’m not sure I want to. It’s not written or directed by Eli Roth, so I’m not holding high hopes that it’ll be fantastic. This one was written and directed by Eli Roth and it already wasn’t fantastic. It was okay, but it kind of felt like it was just a mix of scenes Eli Roth had to leave out of the first one. There’s little new in this one except for the characters. And they’re not all new, either.

This movie is Eli Roth, through and through. Well, mostly anyway. I wavered a little on how highly to rate this and decided if I didn’t give it at least four out of five, I’d be lying to myself.

Watching it again now I find this movie a bit less impressive but at the time it was an original. And it’s still not bad, if you’re into this kind of thing – just make sure you’re really into this kind of thing, or you’ll probably regret watching it.

This movie was really disappointing. I was really hoping I’d like it more, especially with Sam Raimi’s name attached to it, but the original is better in almost every way. I say “almost” because there were a couple things this movie did well: the special effects and the stupid old tree. So many of the scenes were much more believable in this movie than in the original, in appearance if nothing else.

To be fair, if I’d never seen the original I probably would have rated this one higher. It’s creepy and well paced and the underlying story is the same. But since the original is just so damn good, my opinion of this one suffers a bit.

This is one of the first horror movies I ever saw (on purpose, anyway) and boy, did it stick with me. I remember when I was younger I used to wake up in a cold sweat after nightmares about this movie. Luckily, I haven’t had one of those in years…but then again I also hadn’t watched this movie in years.

One thing that definitely went over my head when I was younger is the sense of humor this movie has. From the parents getting stoned in their bedroom to the teenage daughter letting it slip that she “remembers” the Holiday Inn down the street, there are several jokes in this that land much better now that I understand them. This movie hasn’t just held up over time, it’s actually gotten better – or I’ve gotten smarter or more experienced or something. Either way, I like this movie even more now than I did when I was a kid.

SPOILER Warning: If you plan on watching this movie, just know that I love it and don’t read this review until after you’ve watched it. I don’t want to spoil anything for you.

Wow. I’d forgotten how much I like this one. Even knowing all the twists didn’t decrease my enjoyment of this movie.

This is mostly due to the phenomenal cast. While I was initially skeptical that Robert De Niro could believably play the father to Dakota Fanning (an incredibly young Dakota Fanning at that), I have to admit they both pulled it off. Famke Janssen and Elisabeth Shue were just two of the familiar faces in the supporting cast, all of whom were great.

This is an interesting one. It’s not for the faint of heart, though. It’s far more disturbing than it is terrifying, though. And you can’t even close your eyes to get away from it, since the group details (excruciating detail in some cases) aloud each cause of death.

But if you can stomach that kind of movie (no pun intended, I swear?), this might keep you entertained for an hour and a half. It’s a little slow to start but it picks up quickly and keeps that pace all the way to the final scene. I guess that’s unsurprising from the writer of Crank (and Crank: High Voltage!), though.

While this movie is reasonably entertaining, its premise is a bit ridiculous and doesn’t really lend itself to being taken seriously. I’m just not sure Elizabeth Bathory was the right historical creeper to use for this one.

And what was with the character names? Loomis, Hutch, October, Swink, Phin…and Abigail? I can only assume Samaire Armstrong (Abigail) was let off the hook for already living with the name Samaire. Don’t get me wrong, I think Samaire is a pretty name – I just can’t come up with any other reason Abigail was the only familiar sounding name of the bunch.