Scary Stories (from a Dark Allie)

Somehow I never saw this when it came out, so maybe it’s just nostalgia here (those AOL Instant Messenger sounds take me way back, and I’d almost forgotten about Bon Jovi’s acting years) but I loved this movie. I was skeptical about a PG-13 horror movie, but this one delivers and proves that you can craft a good scary story without relying on swearing and gore.

I was happy about the Gary Cole cameo, but sad about the terrible Gary Cole British accent. Was it too expensive to find a real British actor to play Owen’s father? He was only in 30 seconds or so of the film. Despite that, the rest of the cast is wholly believable (okay, aside from Paul James’ hair) and has a chemistry that is, at least as far as most of these movies have shown me, hard to find.

This is another one of those teen slasher films that doesn’t have anything going for it except a relatively familiar cast. “Wait,” you might be thinking, “doesn’t Paris Hilton give this one something special?"*

No. No, she doesn’t. In fact, I probably would have rated this one higher if Paris Hilton hadn’t been involved. She’s the only one of the group who can’t act (seriously, even her screams aren’t believable), and I found myself distracted by hoping she’d just die already.

I was kind of hoping this movie would be terrible so I could make an equally terrible joke about the anguish I felt getting through it, but I liked it too much for that. It was a bit slow paced, and not as terrifying as it could have been, but it was interesting.

I was especially impressed with the minimalism of the background music and how simple the camera work was. It’s a great example of “less is more.”

I realize there will come a day when I run out of horror movies that I really like, but luckily today is not that day. This isn’t my favorite (or even in my top ten), but it’s entertaining and a step above your standard teen slasher film.

I’ll admit that it took a while for Amber Heard to grow on me (I’m not sure whether it was Zombieland or Drive Angry that finally did it), but I was already her fan by the time I first saw this movie. Of course, had the US release not been delayed seven years I imagine I would have liked her much sooner, since she kills it as Mandy Lane (pun only mildly intended).

I know The Cabin in the Woods isn’t really a “scary movie” in the strictest sense, but it is definitely worthwhile and entertaining for any fan of horror films. I was hoping it might be worthwhile and entertaining for any fan of Joss Whedon who might not be a fan of horror films, so I could start the slow, subtle process of turning my “not a horror fan” boyfriend into…well, at least into my “not not a horror fan” boyfriend.

Did it work? You’re damn right it did. The movie is well paced, the cast has incredible chemistry (and some big names!), and the dialogue is on-point and Whedon witty. Sure, there’s lots of blood and gore, but because the movie isn’t trying to scare you, it’s well-placed and fits in without being too disturbing.

Before you ask: yes, I know this is technically a prequel rather than a 30-years-later remake, and I know that the original I’m referring to is technically a thirty-years-later remake of a Howard Hawks film.

That said, it’s a pretty damn good homage to an incredibly damn good film. I just wish it weren’t trying so hard to show off that it had three times the budget and thirty years of special effects advancement behind it.

The Thing is one of the first scary movies I remember watching with my mom when I was younger (I’m pretty sure it’s mostly her fault that I love scary movies as much as I do), and I’m happy to report that 30-some years later, it’s still a great movie.

Sure, the special effects aren’t always believable and the technology is a bit outdated, but The Thing is a shining example of what the right cast can do in the hands of an amazing director like John Carpenter.

Generally, I really liked this one. I remember it being one of the first in a long time to really get to me. And I love Scott Speedman (I have a special place in my heart for Felicity right next to all this blood and gore).

That said, it isn’t without some issues.

I’ll admit, a movie has to be pretty bad for me to rate it lower than 3/5…and this one got pretty close. But as my dad once said (and I happen to agree), “I would watch Eliza Dushku brush her teeth for 45 minutes.” So Eliza Dushku, the extra one’s for you.

This was a movie with a reasonably interesting premise that just missed its mark.

I’m always in the mood for a good Nicolas Cage movie. Unfortunately, Pay the Ghost was not that movie.

I have told people on more than one occasion that this is my favorite horror movie, so I figured I’d watch it again to see if it holds up. About 15 minutes into this viewing, I remembered that I don’t say it’s my “favorite” movie, I say it’s the “scariest” movie. And that definitely still holds.

I’m a big fan of minimalism in horror movies. I think the scariest things are those that could actually happen, and the fewer special effects a movie uses, the more realistic it seems. This movie takes place in a single location and for most of the film stars just five young adults in an old house surrounded by webcams. And then the deaths start adding up.

I may be biased towards anything Wes Craven, but I liked this movie. It wasn’t quite as haunting as A Nightmare on Elm Street, but it was a relatively original story with a decent cast (Frank Grillo is always awesome…and Max Thieriot delivers the quiet creeper like no one else), and Wes Craven’s direction and use of background music elevate it above the typical teen slasher flick.

Sure, the pacing is weird (and changes halfway through) and the dialogue is only partly believable, but Wes Craven yet again delivers terror just under the surface – the idea that one of your friends could be a murderer unbeknownst to you? The idea that…you could be a murderer unbeknownst to you?

I had almost forgotten this remake existed and after watching it again, I wish I had. I know this was technically directed by Samuel Bayer (mostly known for directing music videos), but can we all just be honest and call this Michael Bay’s Nightmare on Elm Street? There were several points at which I thought to myself, “wow, this is Michael Bay as fuck,” which is fitting since that word was used way more in this than in the original. I’m not normally one to shy away from cursing (I love Seven, of course), but it seemed so…unnecessary in this.

Then again, much of the dialogue seemed unnecessary – this Freddy talks too damn much.