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#Horror (2015)

I really wanted to like this movie. The actors are relatively well known and well respected, the concept and story seemed to be good, and the trailer was incredibly promising. Unfortunately…it was a really hard movie to watch, and it completely fell short of all my expectations.

A Thousand Little Cuts (2022)

So…I thought this would be a better movie than it was. As a thriller, it’s a two-star film. As a mystery and drama, maybe I could give it an extra star, but it’s not very thrilling, and as a “scary story” it’s barely two stars.

Antebellum (2020)

This movie is beautifully shot, fairly well acted…and way too long and brutal.

Apartment 1303 (2012)

Wow, this movie was bad. Laughably bad, but not so bad it’s funny or so bad it’s good – it’s really bad. I was lured by the promise of Mischa Barton and Rebecca De Mornay in it, and they were in it all right – but it was still bad.

April Fools (2007)

Okay, this isn’t the worst movie I’ve watched this year, but it might have the worst cinematography?

Beckoning the Butcher (2013)

This was an odd movie. It was also a short movie. And unfortunately, it wasn’t a great movie.

The film alternates between found footage of Chris Shaw (his internet claim to fame is that he makes videos debunking paranormal rituals – think Bloody Mary or Candyman) and his friends and random interviews (think talking heads). The switching is a bit disorienting, and the interviews are ridiculous. Seriously – they’re either with a psychic who says things like “blood is literally a person’s life force” or with Chris Shaw’s brother who blames himself for showing Chris the “deep web” (you know, the one he says is under the “surface internet”).

Besetment (2017)

So this was…certainly a movie. And not a very good one. Nor was it a very original one.

Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)

Ugh. I wanted to like this one so much more. Seriously, a movie with cute girls getting high and making out, AND Pete Davidson? How could it not at least be fun!

I don’t really have the answer to “how”, but I did not at least find this movie fun. I found it extremely boring. Maybe I’m too old for this movie? It felt pretty solidly “Gen Z” the whole way through.

..Oh…oh no…am I Greg??

Butcher Boys (2013)

I probably should have guessed from the title (and the cover picture), but this movie was lots of violence and very little story.

So little, in fact, that I really have nothing else to say about this one.

It’s…almost watchable? It’s only an hour and a half but feels like forever so if you’ve got the option to skip this one, take it.

Cape Fear (1962)

So many old movies feel SO SLOW. Like everything is a slow burn telling of a story. And I find old acting performances so strange. Everything feels somehow stilted and overacted at the same time. And that’s kind of how I felt throughout this movie.

Cell (2016)

Wow. Just…wow. This movie was a disappointment. It’s based on a Stephen King novel I have read – and one I quite liked, at that. But I did not like this movie.

It was boring, it lacked emotion, and it was a poorly paced adaptation of the story. It feels strange to me to rate anything with such a great cast lower than three out of five, but I couldn’t bring myself to go past two out of five for this one.

Day of the Animals (1977)

(Sorry, lots of spoilers, and brief mention of sexual assault) If you’ve ever wanted to see Leslie Nielsen wrestle a bear, this is the movie for you! This is like the American version of Long Weekend, basically. Though I guess this one came first.

Dead of Winter (1987)

When I originally picked Dead of Winter for this week, I wasn’t fully expecting it to actually BE the dead of winter for us, but I probably should have. We’re blanketed in snow and it’s freezing outside. Below freezing, even.

But if I was hoping this movie would keep me warm, I was wrong. There’s a good story in there (and apparently this was a loose remake of a 1945 film?), but it takes way too long to tell it, and there’s not enough tension or action to keep the audience hooked for so long.

Deadly Blessing (1981)

Okay, I know I said last week that it’s hard to go wrong with Wes Craven, but this one kind of did.

Devil Times Five (1974)

So, first things first, I have no idea what to call this movie. I first heard of it as Peopletoys, which was an intriguing enough name…and when I looked it up to pull movie details, it was listed as Devil Times Five, which is…fine, I guess.

Then I started the film, and the title screen shows The Horrible House on the Hill, and when I went to look that up to make sure it was the same film, I learned it was also released on video as Tantrums, which I think I like better than both Devil Times Five and The Horrible House on the Hill, but not as much as Peopletoys.

Now, all that out of the way, this movie is not as good as ANY of its names.

Dread (2009)

I don’t have a lot to say about this movie because there wasn’t a lot going on for most of it. In fact, it was more than two-thirds of the way through before anything really scary happened – before that it’s all just talk about fear.

Freaks of Nature (2015)

This is a horror comedy that’s neither horror nor comedy. Which is disappointing, as it has a lot of familiar comedic faces (Keegan-Michael Key! Patton Oswalt! Bob Odenkirk!) and some other great familiar faces as well. But it just doesn’t land anything.

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

So I am going to watch a LOT of Friday the 13th films this month, leading up to and just after Friday, September 13th. Like, a lot. I want to say ten different movies starting with this one.

So I’m going to try to change up my viewing habits for this collection and not only watch these a little earlier, but also swap between this franchise and the other movies on my calendar, because ten Jason movies in a row is A LOT. We’ll see if this plan makes it any easier.

Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

Yeah, this…really doesn’t bode well for the rest of this series, but I’m sticking to it. I really wanted to give this one a chance! It’s (spoiler alert?) the first appearance of the hockey mask! It’s another direct sequel!

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

I didn’t really like this one, and I don’t have too much to say about it.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

This entry in the franchise was just boring. I like the idea of a change of scenery, but the execution here didn’t really work for me.

Frogs (1972)

In honor of the fact that I’m being eaten alive by mosquitoes this month, I watched yet another “eco-horror” movie.

Sadly, it doesn’t seem like eco-horror is quite my cup of tea. I liked this one about as much as Long Weekend and Day of the Animals, which is to say…not very much.

Halloween Ends (2022)

Yeah…I have nothing to say about this movie.

Halloween II (2009)

So, I had a lot to say about Rob Zombie’s original Halloween remake, particularly that I quite liked it. This…not so much. But I want to preface this by saying I’ve been in a bit of a mood lately, so it’s totally possible it’s just me?

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Happy Halloween! I hope you get all the candy you want tonight!

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Wow…this was a bad movie. And it has PAUL RUDD in it! And it was still bad.

Hunger (2009)

I feel like maybe I’m not in a generous mood this week. This month? I’m feeling more sensitive to slow-burn films, particularly ones that drag along in a boring manner. Unfortunately, I seem to keep picking them.

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)

I can see why this was direct-to-video, but I can’t honestly tell why this was made at all. It’s the shortest of the three films, and also the most boring.

In a Violent Nature (2024)

So, as you’ll learn later this week, I’m going to be watching a LOT of Friday the 13th movies. A LOT. And this movie really feels like it’s trying to be an entry into that franchise, only with Johnny instead of Jason.

It Chapter Two (2019)

Don’t watch this movie. Really, don’t watch it. It’s not worth it. I’m so mad about this movie. This movie is the longest movie I have watched yet. It beats the Suspiria remake by SEVENTEEN MINUTES. But it honestly feels even longer than that. And wholly unnecessarily.

Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017)

Wow, my hit rate for June is LOW. I know, I know, sequels/prequels/paraquels/whatever you want to call this, made MANY years later, are rarely good. But I was hoping it would at least be relatively entertaining to see the Creeper again…but it wasn’t.

Jigsaw (2017)

I did not like this movie. None of the characters were likable, the story (if you can call it that) was boring and unoriginal, and the dialogue felt like it was ripped out of a bad CSI episode.

Know Fear (2022)

Wow, I really need to stop thinking that super short movies are less likely to be bad. This one was pretty bad.

Kuso (2017)

Other than “a whole lot of WTF,” I wasn’t really sure what to expect from a film referred to in at least one article as “the movie that traumatized Sundance”, and whose director defended the film by saying “only like 20 people out of like 400” walked out.

And I feel like I did get more than JUST a whole lot of WTF… but I don’t really have the words to describe what I got?

Late Phases (2014)

So, I originally found this film when I wanted to watch the 1999 movie Memorial Day for the Memorial Day holiday, but unfortunately couldn’t find it streaming ANYWHERE. There were a few places that had the DVD for sale, and I bought it! But I wasn’t sure if it would ship in time…plus there’s another movie by the same name from the same year, and I was a little worried I’d accidentally get THAT movie instead…

Well, I DID get the (correct) movie in time! But I already watched this movie just in case. It came up when I was searching for other Memorial Day horror movies. I don’t think it’s exactly on theme for today (though the main character is a veteran!), but it’ll work. Plus it has Larry Fessenden and Ethan Embry, so it seemed somewhat promising? And it’s available on streaming platforms.

Leprechaun (1993)

Yes, this is the obvious choice for St. Patrick’s Day, but it works so well! And it’s fitting that St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Thursday this year.

I’d never actually seen this one all the way through, though I caught bits and pieces of it on network television growing up, along with its sequels. Can we all agree this was one of Warwick Davis’s more ridiculous roles? Actually, ridiculous seems an apt word for the whole movie.

Long Weekend (1979)

I’m still not feeling very talkative, or maybe I’m just choosing movies that don’t give me much to say. Either way, I don’t have much to say about this one.

Madison County (2011)

I was waffling between rating this a 2 or a 3 out of 5, but I think what made my decision for me was one female character’s (seemingly out of place and in poor taste) use of “don’t be gay” as a retort. Seriously? I’m realizing now that it’s been years (and more than the four since this was released) since I’ve heard that used as an insult.

The dialogue was otherwise mostly okay, and the acting wasn’t bad, but the pacing seemed way off and there were times that the background music was so loud I couldn’t hear what the characters were saying.

Men (2022)

What was I thinking this month? Did I pick a bunch of really boring movies, or am I just overly critical and critically bored this month? Either way, this movie isn’t it for me.

New Year's Evil (1980)

Okay, I know it’s not yet the new year, but it’s the last Throwback Thursday of the year so I felt this was fitting.

Night of the Hunted (2023)

Okay, I was on board with this movie for the first half or so. And then it turned into…something else. Something I couldn’t really get behind.

Night Swim (2024)

Sometimes I feel bad, like maybe the reason I didn’t like a movie is because I’m tired, or in a bad mood, or otherwise feeling things that are priming me to not like any movies. And I don’t really know how to tell the difference between my feelings about mediocre movies on those days versus “normal” days. I feel like it’s easy to tell if I REALLY like or REALLY dislike a movie…but sometimes it’s too difficult to decide between two or three stars.

This is kind of one of those days. And I’m sorry, Night Swim, but I just can’t give you that third star.

Personal Shopper (2016)

This movie was boring. It had an interesting enough story, but it was SO boring.

Prince of Darkness (1987)

I really wanted to like this one. I’d never seen it before, but I love John Carpenter and I like a lot of cult-favorite films! But I didn’t really like this one.

Run Rabbit Run (2024)

Can you tell I’m on a movie name theme? This is the last one for now.

This is such a frustrating movie. By all accounts, it SHOULD be good! There’s some interesting stuff there, and the performances are excellent!

Scary Movie 3 (2003)

I knew the first movie without any of the Wayans brothers was going to be bad, but it was also boring.

Scream 4 (2011)

Well, that’s kind of a bummer…this is the first installment I could barely make it through. And it’s the last film Wes Craven directed. Both the last film in the Scream series directed by him, and the last film he ever directed.

Shadow Puppets (2007)

I was mostly excited to finally watch a Sunday night movie that wasn’t part of the Saw franchise, with just a little bit of anxiety about having to find another film to watch. Then I found this one.

And let me tell you, it almost makes me wish there were another Saw movie to have watched instead.

Okay, so maybe choosing what movie to watch based on the fact that James Marsters is in it wasn’t the best route to a good horror movie, but one with James Marsters and Tony Todd? I expected better than this. This was bad. Not completely unwatchable, but close to it.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

It is cold and dry when I’m watching this, and honestly that’s kind of how I feel about this movie? My eyes are tearing up trying to hold on to some moisture but this movie kind of makes me want to cry…from boredom?

Silent Retreat (2016)

When I started typing out my notes for this movie, I mistyped and my phone corrected it to “Silent Regret,” which might be a more accurate title for it. It’s pretty bad. It’s not completely unwatchable, but it’s close.

What’s funny is that it’s hard for me to pinpoint what was so bad about it. The story itself was original and interesting, and the twists fitting and equally intriguing. And the cover looked awesome! It should have been scary and it should have been really good, but it felt flat.

Spell (2020)

I don’t have too much to say about this movie, but I didn’t like it very much.

Terror Train (2022)

Well, this was kind of a letdown. And yet…why is there a sequel, and why am I watching it tomorrow?

Look, if I had seen this movie first, I might have given it 3 stars. As a standalone film, it’s fine. But as a remake? It’s unnecessary. It doesn’t add anything to the original, and in fact is missing Jamie Lee Curtis AND David Copperfield! So I can’t in good conscience give it a full 3 stars, but it’s fine.

The acting is mostly fine, although the characters are all kind of dicks (like, moreso than in the original?). I really liked the actress playing Mitchy (despite the “this poly dropped a molly” line), and I recognized the actor playing Mo from From, a supernatural horror TV series for which I am desperately awaiting season 3.

The Beach House (2019)

I don’t have much to say about this movie. It was short but slow, had some eerie moments, and ultimately wasn’t all that interesting.

The Dead Don't Die (2019)

I heard a lot about this movie while it was in production and as it was released, but I only just got around to watching it. I really wanted to like it! It’s got a lot of familiar faces! And yet…

The Hamiltons (2006)

About thirty minutes into this film, I was convinced it was going to be the first movie to only rate 1 out of 5. It was bad enough that I almost stopped watching completely. But I figured I’d need to suffer through a few awful films throughout the year, and this might as well be the first.

Well, while I’m not glad I decided to finish this movie, it did get somewhat better near the end. Watchable, at least. Enough to rate at 2 out of 5 overall.

The Happening (2008)

This is a bad movie. Just…epically bad. Well, not epically bad (I did give it two stars, after all), more like run-of-the-mill bad, but bad nonetheless. It might be my least favorite M. Night Shyamalan film?

The Lost Tree (2015)

Ugh, well, this movie was boring. Not terrible, but terribly boring. Which is a real shame! There was a lot that could have been great!

The Nun (2018)

I’m always so sad when a movie with a bunch of people I like is awful. (I mean, Dead Awake was obviously the WORST example of this, and this wasn’t THAT bad, at least?)

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007)

Ugh, really, this is just a mostly bad month for me. You would think it would be easier to get through a movie that’s less than an hour and a half long, and yet…

The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1995)

Wow, this was a pretty bad movie. It had enough scares and plot and silly moments to earn it two stars, but definitely no more.

The Unseen (1980)

This movie was…not what I expected. And not in a great way. More in a “WTF did I just watch” kind of way.

Also, I feel kind of weird writing too much about it myself. If you’re interested, I suggest reading the plot summary on Wikipedia instead of watching the film?

The Wicker Tree (2011)

Here’s a sequel I don’t think needed to be made, at all. It was so boring! I didn’t care about any of the characters, except MAYBE Peter McNeil and his raven.

Train (2008)

Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood today, but this did not hold my attention at all. The acting was fine, the background music wasn’t bad, and there was lots of blood and gore, but…I found myself bored through most of the movie.

I like Thora Birch usually. The Hole was a great movie because of her (and despite her terrible British accent). But as a member of an internationally recognized wrestling team? I just don’t buy it. At least they didn’t have Gloria Vostis make highly suspect small talk about her wrestling matches – I think that would have taken me out of the movie completely.

Yoga Hosers (2016)

I don’t know what I was expecting out of this movie. Maybe I was expecting it to be closer, tonally, to Tusk. Maybe I was expecting it to be funnier.